My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
