Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
