you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
