I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My bed smells like the plague
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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