If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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