Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
