Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
