I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
