the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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