if i can run in heels then i can drive
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You smell like stripper and shame
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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