happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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