I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
