I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
