We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
did i walk over a car last night?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
