everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
