I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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