This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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