I only kidnapped one of them. chill
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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