dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
they're like a gay fantastic four
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
