Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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