Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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