i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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