He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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