We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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