Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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