I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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