i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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