When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
