Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
