I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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