idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
