Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
