sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
