Tell her she can't have a vagina
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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