Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
