My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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