I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
