she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
