tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize