turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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