just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
