one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
