1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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