Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
either way he was missing a nipple.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
