I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
