I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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