is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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