It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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