I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
