guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
