remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize