the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
