it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
