I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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