And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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