is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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