I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
