Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
