If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
