hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My bed smells like the plague
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
